


To Have A Say

by sharkcar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, star wars:
Genre: Anthropology, Clone Army, Clone Wars, Coruscant, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Galactic Senate, Jedi Code, Marriage Proposal, Planet Naboo (Star Wars), Politics (Star Wars), Sith, Slavery, bureaucrats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6386314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkcar/pseuds/sharkcar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Anakin Skywalker is injured, he is rushed to the Jedi healing center, leaving Padme behind on Geonosis to wonder how the war had been started so quickly. With her droid companions, she returns home to Coruscant to ask some questions, but she finds herself answering them instead. While Anakin descends into a coma to face trials of the mind and spirit, Padme recalls his recent trials of the heart. She finds the must sit on the sidelines, a position with which she is unaccustomed.</p><p>I wrote this because I was trying to figure out how the marriage might have come about without Anakin using compulsion or some other theory. Basically an attempt to make a believable romance between people when the guy says things like 'I hate sand.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Have A Say

**Author's Note:**

> Some dialogue and descriptions of scenes taken from "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones" by George Lucas.

Anakin could stand, so I thought he would be alright. I ran across the hangar bay, I said his name, and hugged him close. He staggered, his face sweating, but he was cold to the touch. So cold. He was breathing heavily, a charred end was all that remained of his right arm. Suddenly he screamed in pain and dropped to his knees, nearly dragging me down with him. Confusion broke out as the soldiers scrambled to get Anakin aboard a transport. 

“Take my ship, we must,” Master Yoda hurried towards a small shuttle that was outside. I looked around, unsure of what to do. I held a blaster in one hand, but put my free hand on my forehead for a moment and tried to stifle my sobs. I started to walk towards the ship to follow, but just like that, they were gone. Master Obi-Wan and Master Yoda had boarded with Anakin and left me with some clone soldiers. No one had looked back. I just watched as the Jedi and the soldiers took him away. 

“Ma’am, we need to get you back to the command center to have those wounds tended,” a clone was at my side. 

“Of course,” I answered and wiped my eyes. I recovered my composure in the blink of an eye. I was a politician. Poise was a requirement of the job. 

We’ll see each other there, I assured myself. The clones and I assembled in the ship that had brought us to the hangar. The ride to the command center was a bit choppy since we were still being shot at. Somehow we made it back to the landing spot and I was rushed into a tent that was already set up to tend the wounded. 

“Medic!” shouted the clone, “This civie was caught in the fighting. We have secured her and will be evacuating her as soon as the fighting dies down. In the meantime, she needs someone to wash and stitch her back. These scratches got pretty dirty when she fell out of a transport.” 

Another clone, this one with a first aid symbol on his shoulder rushed to help me onto a cot. As quickly as could be, he began to clean my wounds. I had forgotten about them until they were touched. I gritted my teeth and growling with pain.

“Did they bring one of the Jedi in here?” I started looking around while the medic mended my wounds with a laser stitch. 

“Only the dead ones from the arena,” he indicated a row of cots covered with sheets, “We’re to transport them to Coruscant once the fighting slows.”

“No, I mean a wounded Jedi. One that lost an arm?” I asked.

“Nothing like that. Some Jedi headed up to one of the Republic ships a bit ago. I think they were taking all the wounded Jedi back to Coruscant.” He sprayed my wounds with some liquid bandage and moved on as some wounded clones were brought in.

Anakin was on his way back to Coruscant and I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. I didn’t know if he would live and even if he did, I had no real reason to see him. Only circumstance had brought us together briefly, our duties would separate us again soon. A war might just have started, he would be off fighting in it. A war! I had only been gone a few months! Was there no one left to fight for the cause of peace, I wondered, where did this army come from? I had been fighting in the Senate for a year to block the creation of an army and one had been raised seemingly out of nowhere? 

Yet I knew I had to fight on. I decided that I had to get back to Coruscant. I could not delay. To do so might have left me out of negotiations on how the war would be conducted and funded. I also wanted to make sure that diplomatic options were explored to cease hostilities before things escalated. Once I’d collected myself, my sense of purpose was clearer than ever. 

I admitted to myself that I also had to get to Coruscant to know if Anakin was alright.

I called to the nearest clone commander, “Is there any way that I can get off world?”

“I say, all this chaos has overrun my circuits, is there a safe space where I can just shut down,” came a familiar voice. 

I looked across the tent to see two familiar figures; one, a protocol droid with corroded outer coverings, the other my blue and white Artoo unit. I stood and crossed the tent to them, “Artoo, I’m so glad to see you. You had me worried.” I knelt down beside him, “Are you damaged?”

He chirped what I assumed meant he was fine. 

“Well I for one have been having the most terrifying day,” it was funny to see Threepio acting hysterical. His personality did not match what you’d expect from a humble origin on Tatooine. I wondered why Anakin had programmed his protocol droid to be so supercilious. Something told me that it was some kind of joke on Anakin’s part. Threepio had always seemed to me to be a nine-year-old’s caricature of what rich people acted like.

I tried to ignore him to see if it would make him be silent. It didn’t work, he just went on complaining behind me.  
“Artoo, do you know if my ship is alright?” I asked.

He whooped a few times in response. It was easy to understand what he meant.

“Then let’s go,” I followed Artoo as he rolled back towards the exhaust vents. 

“Oh my! Do we have to hurry off again? Wait for me!” Threepio wailed.  
\--  
Once I was in range of Coruscant, I hailed Bail Organa on the Senate com channel. The impressive bearing that made him the best speaker in the senate was conveyed through the hologram. 

“Padme, what has happened, we’ve been getting conflicting reports.”

“Bail, it’s so good to see you,” I said, “I’m coming from Geonosis.” 

“Geonosis! There are rumors that the war has already started!”

“I’m afraid that those rumors are true,” I bowed my head and shook it slowly.

“How did the Republic raise an army so quickly? How was it even paid for?” he looked distressed. He was my closest ally in the senate and we had been trying to prevent the creation of a Republic army in an environment of increasing paranoia about the Separatists. 

I took a deep breath, “We have to propose an investigation.”

“I already proposed one, but it seems to be disappearing under a heap of other committee discussions, on where to deploy the troops, on the Jedi’s place in the military hierarchy, on what temporary powers to grant the chancellor in wartime,” he said wearily.

“I’ll do my best to help when I get there,” I reassured him.

When I arrived on Coruscant, I landed the ship in the senatorial hangar and took an air taxi to my building with the droids. I spoke briefly with Captain Typho to inform him I would be back on Coruscant for the time being. He said he would contact the staff. The droids and I took the elevator up to the quarters. 

We reached the apartment. It had grown dark outside but I didn’t bother to turn the lights on. I sat down on a couch and lay my head back. I could feel the exhaustion overwhelm me. 

I woke up later. It was just growing light outside. I looked down to see that I had been covered in a blanket. At a soft sound of mechanical joints moving, I turned to see Threepio coming out of the kitchen carrying a tray with breakfast. 

“I say, Mistress Padme, I’m relieved to see you awake at last,” he set down the tray on a low table, “I tried to get the staff to prepare something special for your homecoming, but I simply could not convince anyone to assist me. In the end I made something for you myself. I’ll admit, I have not been programmed with many recipes. My maker didn’t know many. But I hope it is acceptable.”

“It looks lovely,” I said, surveying a small but beautifully presented plate of toast and jam. The napkin had been folded into the shape of a bird and a knife and fork were set properly beside the plate. I imagined Anakin’s mother receiving a tray like this on Tatooine and I found it hard not to laugh, “That was very sweet of you.” 

“I don’t know why no one would listen to me,” he continued.

Artoo chirped from the other side of the room as he came in from the lift.

“Shabby looking coverings?” Threepio whirled around to confront Artoo, “Oh dear! No wonder. I daresay I’ll get no respect looking like this.” He waved his arms around in distress.

I picked up a piece of toast, “Don’t worry, Threepio, I’ll explain everything to them. I don’t know how long you’ll be with me, but I’ll make sure you are treated with respect.”

“Thank you, Senator,” he bowed. Threepio had been a gift that Anakin had made for his mother. And she had kept him all the years after he left. I knew Anakin would want him back as a connection to her. 

I finished my toast and stood, “Threepio, I am going to wash and dress now. I have to go out as soon as possible.”  
\--  
A few hours later, I exited the senatorial transport at the Jedi Temple with a few guards, and my handmaidens. 'As soon as possible' is a relative term. Between hair and dressing, I never seem to get anywhere fast. I walked towards the entrance and was met by Masters Yoda and Windu. 

“Senator Amidala!” Yoda smiled up at me, “A pleasure it is to see you again.”

“Masters,” I bowed slightly, “I’m here to inquire about Padawan Skywalker,” I felt the quaver in my voice, but my face showed no hint of anything beyond aloof concern.

“His injury was severe, but he is healing. There is nothing to fear,” Master Windu bowed his head and they turned to leave. 

“May I see him?” I called after them. I had wanted to make it look as much like an official visit as possible. But I knew that my voice sounded too strained. 

They turned. Master Yoda came over to me and took my hand, “An ordeal his conflict with Dooku was. Few padawans could have fought so well as he did. Lucky to have survived he was. See him again, you will. Time he needs now, and rest.” The Jedi turned away and walked into the temple. I was left standing near the entrance with my heart pounding in my ears.  
\--  
“Senator Amidala! How wonderful to see you, my dear,” the chancellor rose quickly from his desk and crossed the room, “But most unexpected. Your life may still be in danger here.”

“Coruscant seems safe compared to where I’ve been. I’ve just returned from Geonosis,” we joined both hands in a formal greeting. 

“Geonosis! Why Padme, I believed that you were still on Naboo,” he fixed on me with a look of concern. 

“It has been an eventful few days, Your Excellency. I hear that Bail Organa has asked for an investigation into the creation of this army,” I said as the chancellor led me and my retinue to seats and took his place behind the desk.

“A necessity I suppose. However, I believe the matter is closed. The security and finance committees and I have already been briefed on the details and have found no cause for further investigation. The clone army was apparently commissioned under Chancellor Vallorum. He insists that he wasn’t informed, but we all know that corruption was rampant during his tenure. We are all grateful that we have the army now,” he pressed his intercom, “May we have some tea for the senator and her staff?”

“Will the rest of the senate be briefed on the details?” I asked as a staff member brought in some of my favorite morning flower tea. 

“I’m afraid that in the name of Republic security, the details must be kept classified,” he smiled politely, “However I will tell you confidentially, it appears that the army was requested by the Jedi. Perhaps they had some foreknowledge of the conflict that they chose to share with the former chancellor.”

“I see,” I knew that the Jedi could see things that others couldn’t. I felt tears standing in my eyes as I remembered Anakin kneeling beside his mother’s grave. He had been having nightmares-visions- of her being tortured in the most unspeakable ways. He knew that what he was seeing was true. I believed that the Jedi could have foreseen the war and they would have been justified in their response. 

“And what of your Jedi protector? I thought that Padawan Skywalker was assigned to keep you out of harm’s way,” he sipped his tea. 

“The Jedi and I were involved with the conflict on Geonosis, Master Kenobi and his padawan tried to capture Count Dooku, but were both injured in the fighting,” my voice began to quaver again when I thought of Anakin in a bacta tank. 

“My word, I had heard that some of the Jedi had returned from Geonosis to the temple,” he leaned forward, his eyes showing concern, “I was just about to go and pay them an official visit after I spoke to you.”

“I already attempted to visit Anakin at the temple, but the council members didn’t allow me in,” I put my teacup back on the desk. 

“The Jedi can be very secretive, indeed,” he put his cup down as well. “I must be told about what has occurred and I will insist on hearing from Master Yoda, himself. I’m sure they will not refuse a request to see Anakin if it comes from me,” he smiled kindly.  
\--  
We took the chancellor’s private speeder. I left my retinue at home this time and accompanied the chancellor alone. 

“Don’t worry, my dear. I’m sure the Jedi are giving your friend the very best care. I have been well acquainted with padawan Skywalker for years. He is one of the strongest Jedi I have ever seen. He will pull through, I’m sure,” the chancellor told me as we breezed right through the door with the senatorial guards. We walked right to the Jedi healing center, no one tried to stop us. 

Inside, we found Master Yoda standing by the bacta tank deep in meditation. He turned when he sensed us. I looked up at Anakin when I entered the room, my eyes stung but I willed the tears back. The remnant of his arm was hooked in to some wires, a breathing apparatus covered part of his face. 

“Master Yoda,” the chancellor greeted him softly, “How is he?” 

“At peace for the time being,” Yoda looked up at the tank. 

“I have already called for the best doctors and prosthesis makers in the galaxy,” the chancellor put a hand on Yoda’s shoulder. 

“A kind offer that is, but Jedi healers have we. Take care of him, we will,” Yoda leaned on his cane and looked up at us. He looked sadder than I remembered him. 

“Nonsense, they are on their way,” the chancellor waved a hand, “I will pay for everything. It is the least I can do for such a brave young man. Now, Master Jedi, I know that I will have your official report soon, but it is imperative that you tell me everything that happened on Geonosis. The army is already mobilizing and we need to know what we’re up against.”

“Of course, Supreme Chancellor,” the chancellor shuffled Yoda out of the room, leaving me with two senate guards in front of the tank. 

I watched Anakin for a long time. But I was too afraid to do any more. I could not let anyone see me cry. I could not let anyone hear me say a word. I kept my face impassive. I kept my back straight. I don’t know where the strength came from. 

I didn’t hear him come in, but suddenly Obi-Wan was beside me. He was leaning on his right side and I realized that his left arm and leg seemed to be injured. I hadn’t seen it in the confusion back in the hangar, but Obi-Wan hardly ever showed physical pain. 

When I looked at him, I was in disbelief. He looked older than I remembered. Despite the fact that he had pulled up the hood of his cloak, I could see the tears in his eyes. If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn he was shaking. I realized that it was unsettling because I had never seen him show any emotion before either. Most of the time, he exuded polite nonchalance. 

“Master Kenobi, I don’t understand,” I said softly, “his injuries were severe, but not life threatening. What happened?” 

“For those of us who feel the Force, an ordeal like the one we faced is not just an ordeal of the flesh, but of the mind and the spirit. Anakin has never faced a foe that powerful in the Dark Side. Normally, a padawan his age would surely be killed facing someone like that alone,” 

“But Master Kenobi, you faced a Sith lord,” I reminded him. 

“I had had years more training and I was not alone. Qui Gon and I worked as a team, attacking together. Together we were able to weaken our foe. Anakin rushed Dooku alone. He was not in control of his emotions, I knew it from the minute I saw him in the arena. Something had happened to him, he wasn’t rational,” Obi-Wan was not looking at me, but at Anakin. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. 

I was relieved. He seemed to have forgotten my part in it for the time being. I knew that Obi-Wan had discovered we were on Tatooine. He had contacted us and asked us to relay a message to the Jedi Council. Obi-Wan had to know what we were doing there. He knew about Anakin’s visions. We were never supposed to go there, contact with family was forbidden. He had decided to disobey Jedi protocol and go to find his mother and I went with him. Then, when Obi-Wan was in danger, it was I who defied orders, making Anakin come with me to Geonosis. I knew Anakin. Anakin was not afraid to be killed, if it meant saving his friend. I knew that I would face questions eventually. But Obi-Wan didn’t ask me then. 

“How could I let this happen to him?” Obi-Wan raised his hand and touched his forehead, “He’s still so young. It was too much for him. He was not ready for it. I should have done better.” 

Obi-Wan was always blaming himself. In some ways, in a lot of ways, Obi-Wan still thought of Anakin as a child. But I knew better than that.  
\--  
I hadn’t really expected to ever see Anakin again. I didn’t have many dealings with the Jedi. They were peacekeepers and Naboo had been a peaceful world for the most part. Ever since the Trade Federation Invasion, we had reached an accord with the Gungans, allowing them representation in the Galactic Congress. How they elected Jar Jar, I’ll never know. Electorates can have strange tastes. 

The previous years had seen the rise of the Separatist movement, led by a former Jedi who had decided to leave the order. He had disagreed with the corruption in the senate and was reportedly disgusted with the Jedi for going along with it. As a former ruler of a planet affected by war, I became a visible spokesperson for the cause of peace in the senate. I had seen firsthand what armed conflict could do to a planet. Bail and I had been campaigning against a war but we did not seem to find many friends. Senators were afraid to defend freedom against the promise of security. The voters of the galaxy were afraid and their elected officials responded to their fears. The creation of a Republic military was proposed and I was sure that if it came about, that the Separatists would feel threatened. I fought desperately to avoid escalation. 

An attempt was made on my life and the chancellor insisted that I needed protection. The Jedi bodyguards were a compromise, but I remembered Master Obi-Wan. He was very kind. I remembered how he had taken on the care of that little boy from Tatooine after Qui Gon died. Seeing them together at the peace accords in Theed had made me smile. I had needed to feel happy that day. 

I was surprised when I met them again after ten years. Obi-Wan had grown his hair and beard, looking like a sage master. Perhaps he was unconsciously imitating Qui Gon Jinn, I thought, amused. He wasn’t quite pulling it off. Obi-Wan’s personality was too posh to flirt with minimal grooming. I wondered why he was trying it. But what I saw next threw me. I had been ignoring his escort, thinking him another Jedi that Obi-Wan had brought to assist him. It wasn’t until I really looked at him that I realized who he must be.  
“Ani? My, you’ve grown,” I marveled. 

“You have too, grown more beautiful, I mean. Well, for a senator,” his smile was so shy, he was blushing. I hadn’t seen a boy that nervous to speak to me since I was twelve. I realized that he probably didn’t speak to girls much. It was kind of cute, but not very mature. 

“Oh, Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine,” truthfully, I was sad to see him grown up. He looked troubled, I found out later it was because of the visions.  
I told the Jedi about my concerns about who was behind the assassination attempt. Anakin sat the whole time wrapped tightly in his robe as if he was trying to use it to keep still. He gripped it in his fists so hard that he practically ripped it. He was nervous. 

Obi-Wan and Anakin had a bit if a disagreement, which seemed to be a regular occurrence for them. I shrugged it off and left them to make the security arrangements. I went to change for bed.  
I paced the room a few times, slightly on edge. I didn’t need to sit here and be safe, I thought, I needed to know who was behind the bombing of my ship. I paced around a few times, trying to think of any enemies who might want me dead. Master Windu’s theory about spice miners didn’t make any sense. The miners were controlled by the Trade Federation and we had reached an accord with them after their failed invasion. My most recent work was campaigning against the creation of a military. But my point of view was not the popular one. I didn’t think that I had enough influence to pose a threat to the hawkish faction in the Republic. One might have thought that Count Dooku wanted no military confrontation. The Separatist movement was ostensibly a peaceful one. I was already considered by some in the Republic to be a Separatist sympathizer because I did not want a war. If I was killed, it might have rallied the Separatists to become hostile. I had read the intelligence on atrocities that Dooku was carrying out on distant worlds to force them to join the Separatists. Despite the Jedi’s assurances of his pacifistic nature, I knew that he was trying to antagonize us into war. 

In my room, I could hear the electronic sounds of the cameras. I found them obtrusive, so looked at one of them and said, “You don’t need cameras in my room! If anyone was going to try to kill me, wouldn’t it make sense to wait until I went to a building without embassy level security?” I sounded more annoyed than I’d wanted to. 

“I’m sorry, senator, but the chancellor ordered it,” a voice came over the intercom. 

But then it occurred to me, maybe the assassin would feel more comfortable attacking me if they saw a flaw in our security and thought we hadn’t noticed. No one knew yet that the Jedi had been assigned to me, so the assassin might walk into our trap. 

I put on a robe and walked out to the living area. I was surprised to find Anakin there alone. 

“Is something wrong, Senator?” he asked as he stood up from his place at the security console. 

“Ani, I might have an idea. What if we turned off the cameras? We might be able to draw out the attacker if they think I’m vulnerable,” I whispered conspiratorially. 

“How would we make sure the room was secure?” he took off his robe and threw it onto a couch in a heap. 

“I’m sure you can sense any threat and neutralize it before I’m in any real danger,” I assured him.

“I guess I could also program a low level scanner to cover the room, most probes would just lose it in the regular electronic chatter from the building. Do you have a droid with a decent sensor package?” he had spent his childhood working in a junkyard, he still talked like a mechanic not a Jedi. 

“I think Artoo-detoo has a universal sensor, would that work?” I asked.

“Artoo-detoo is here? Where is he?” he smiled and it was he was the little boy I remembered, unburdened, happy.

Artoo rolled out of my room, making excited chirping sounds. Anakin went over to him and put his hand on Artoo’s dome, “How are you, buddy? I missed you too!” He knelt down beside the droid. 

“You two seem happy to see each other,” I smiled.

“I can’t believe you kept him!” Anakin took a tool out of a pouch on his belt and opened the panel on Artoo’s side.

“We have been through a lot together. He’s my good luck charm,” I patted Artoo on the dome.

“I remember when I first saw Artoo. It was the best day of my life. I thought he was the coolest droid I’d ever seen. Most of the stuff we got in Tatooine was pretty banged up by the time we salvaged it. Artoo looked practically new. I had always wanted an R2 unit as a kid,” Anakin rearranged some of the wires on the camera. 

“Are you allowed to have droids at the Jedi Temple,” I asked. I could imagine him keeping one as a pet. 

“There are temple droids. There are utility droids for the ships. I fix them a lot when I have some down time. But we are not supposed own them. Possession is discouraged. Obi-Wan doesn’t really like dealing with droids,” his face suddenly cracked in a smile, “I once programmed a gonk droid from the hangar to break into his room at night and rearrange furniture. He’d wake up every morning and wonder what happened to the room.” 

I laughed out loud, “What did he do to you when he found out?” 

“I had to sit through a lecture on how being a Jedi is serious. Although I did hear Master Yoda laughed when he heard about the prank.”  
We both laughed. 

“Artoo is ready. I’ll keep my senses open. Goodnight Padme,” I had been looking over his shoulder when he suddenly stood up next to me. He was standing very close. Neither one of us moved for a moment. 

“Goodnight, Ani,” I whispered. I covered up the cameras.

My plan worked. There was another attempt on my life, I woke up to see Anakin cut two kouhuns in half with a light saber and land on the foot of my bed. The Jedi rushed off, Obi-Wan by diving through my window, and the next day I found myself ordered to leave Coruscant by the chancellor. 

Anakin was left to guard me while Obi-Wan went to get him some clothes and a pack for the trip. I was annoyed at the chancellor and I told Anakin so. He and I actually had a nice conversation. I felt like we were becoming real friends again.

“Don’t grow up too fast,” I said. I remembered his smile from the night before, the smile of the little boy, laughing about that prank. It warmed my heart. In that moment I had a wisp of a thought. I was standing close to him and I just got a hint of the smell of his skin. The tiniest thought passed through my mind as I pictured him putting his arm around me. 

As suddenly as if I’d spoken the thought, Anakin reacted, “But I am grown, you said it yourself.” In my mind a voice said, 'And I know what you thought just now.' It unsettled me. I had heard about what Force wielders could do. But for all the fame of their deeds throughout the galaxy, most people had never met a Jedi. Even if we had, we never got close to them. They could only really be close to each other, I heard, since they communicated so much through the Force. They were forbidden from attachments so we non-Force wielders didn’t connect with them. I pretended I hadn’t heard his thought and told him to stop looking at me that way. I didn't like having my mind read against my will. He’d been warned. 

On the transport to Naboo, we didn’t have much to do. There were no private quarters, so we slept in a large hold area. Anakin wouldn’t let me lift a finger, but waited on me until I had to tell him to stop. It was sweet. He was nervous about his first assignment, he said. I was still angry about having to hide. When we arrived on Naboo, I’m afraid that I was treated Anakin like I’d been forced to supervise him, instead of the other way around. Being considered a child was obviously a huge problem for him but I wasn’t sure why.  
As I made preparations, we stopped by to visit my family. I hadn’t seen them for almost a year, since I had been on tour to different systems to campaign against the Military Creation Act. My sister brought it up. She had thought Anakin and I were a couple, but I assured her that it wasn’t the case. She asked later if I’d seen the way he looked at me. He was looking at me, he was always looking at me. Once I saw it, I couldn’t ignore it. Then, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And the more I thought about him, the more he looked. Worse, I'm sure he knew every time he passed through my mind. I would think of him, he would smile shyly. But he never sent another thought back. I wondered if he could help but read my mind. I was ashamed of myself because I couldn't seem to stop giving him thoughts to read. It was getting distracting. 

We reached the Lake Retreat the tension was overwhelming. We barely spoke in the gondola speeder. I realized that all the stress making me feel giddy. I chastised myself. Why had I picked out this dress today, I bemoaned, what was I doing? We stood on the terrace by the lake and gazed out over the water. I started telling some silly story about when I was a child. He said something even stupider about sand. But by the time I felt him touch me, I thought I would catch fire. He knew what I was thinking. All I had to do was give in. By how nervous he was, I could tell that he had never been romantic with anyone. All of his focus, every feeling he had in the world, was focused on me. I saw myself reflected in his eyes. I was his everything. I was swept up in it. I was ashamed, but I was helpless to stop it. The kiss came together like a warm breeze. Then I suddenly felt afraid. I broke away. I should never have let it happen. He was young, I should have been stronger than that. He apologized, confused. 

There wasn’t much to do in hiding. I am not very good with down time or taking vacations and Anakin was unused to it as well. We tried to make the best of our boredom. We went on outings. We joked. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been able to be a little silly. I could see he spent most of his time being serious as well, so it was good to laugh with him. I read. He trained. I would watch him sometimes from the upper balcony while he was on the terrace by the lake. The way he moved, his focus, it was so unlike what I remembered of him. When he was a boy, he was more carefree, but years with the Jedi had changed him so much. When he was connecting to the Force, I could see that there was something to him that was beyond his years, an understanding and an ability that seemed strange for someone his age. It could be unsettling. I understood why he was angry to be treated like a child. Although some parts of him were immature, he was easily frustrated when he was talked down to, there were parts that were stronger than most people would ever be. My heart went out to him. It seemed like the very thing that made him special was what made him feel lonely. 

He seemed to find no peace, even in Varykino. Every night the visions tormented him. I could hear him, it sounded like torture. 

One night it turned slightly chilly. After dinner in the loggia dining room, I suggested we sit by the fire in my reading room. I took off my shawl to reveal bare shoulders. I internally scolded myself, but sat down beside him anyway. I couldn’t seem to help myself, even though my feelings were conflicted. 

I hadn’t expected him to, but he confronted me. I realized that he was still unsure that he was reading my feelings correctly, since my behavior had been so erratic. He didn’t have any experience with women. I resented him finding me out so I scolded him. But then I slipped and admitted my feelings. He suggested that we keep it a secret, the look on his face was the one of the child again. His face was saying that he needed me. I knew his pain was real. In that moment, I wanted so much to be a help to him and not another burden. But I couldn’t decide which was worse, threatening our missions in life or denying ourselves happiness. I was able to get a hold of myself and think rationally, but some part of me was sorry. 

After a particularly terrifying nightmare, he told me of his intention to defy his orders and go rescue his mother if he could. I agreed with him. Anyway, we were both completely bored with relaxation.  
\--  
I left Obi-Wan in the Jedi healing center and walked out of the temple. There was no reason to wait for the chancellor. The two senate guards escorted me to the chancellor’s speeder and home. To my surprise, they got out of the speeder with me.

“That’s alright, I’m home now, my security team can handle it from here,” I told the guardsman. 

“I’m sorry, Senator, but the chancellor has insisted that a detail from the Senate Guard be put around you until the threat against your life has passed,” he told me through his helmet.

“And just how large of a detail will this be?” I turned to him as four more guardsmen came out of my building lobby to stand behind me. 

“The details are classified, it is to be discussed only with the chancellor,” the guardsman stood his ground. 

“But there is no longer a threat,” I was trying to conceal my outrage. 

“The chancellor says that with the start of the war, there must be heightened security. We are not yet sure that the danger has passed, but we are investigating fully,” he assured me.  
  
I thought that Obi-Wan had discovered that Nute Gunray ordered my assassination, I hoped that his report to the chancellor would convince everyone that I was no longer under threat. I had too much to do to be under such overbearing surveillance. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I was being controlled. 

After a few days of “heightened security,” I was ready to crack. I could not leave the house until searches had been conducted. I had six guardsmen with me everywhere I went. I was put in covered speeders. I had to get authorization before I met with anyone. I was never allowed to be alone. Bail came to see me. We worked on some proposals for war provisions. He brought me reports on the hierarchy of the army. The Jedi would command the military. I thought of Anakin going off to war again and I had to put the report down for a while.  
\--  
“I apologize, Master. I have not had many dealings with the Jedi. I do not understand Jedi ways. I didn’t know that I was doing something wrong,” I told Obi-Wan sincerely. He had come to visit me one morning. I knew that eventually he would.

“Anakin was supposed to be stronger than this. He should have told you,” Obi-Wan sounded somewhat sympathetic. 

“Pardon me Master Jedi, but I insisted we go to Tatooine,” I told him. He knew about Anakin’s visions so he already knew why we went. “I meant no disrespect to the Jedi. But I was trying to help my friend. My will is my own. Will he be punished?”

“I am Anakin’s Jedi Master, I am responsible for him. I must face the consequences if he disobeys the Jedi Council. I have informed them that he was having these visions and that they were a particularly difficult test. Most of them have argued that we should show him compassion. Master Yoda insists that there is more to it. He will not tell me what it is, just that he sensed something. What happened out there?”

“We found his mother. She had been taken by Sand People. I think she was dead when he found her and that the Sand People were long gone,” I lied. I did not want to lie to Obi-Wan, but he could not know. Anakin was so disturbed by what he’d done that I didn’t think that it would help to punish him further. When he killed those Sand People, he’d hated himself. He told me that he was a Jedi and he was better than this. After what he described the Sand People doing in his visions, I understood that these creatures were monstrous and brutal. I didn’t think what he did was right, Anakin certainly regretted it, but many might have called it just. “He couldn’t save her. It nearly destroyed him. That was probably the emotional distress you sensed on Geonosis,” I suggested. Also me telling him that I was in love with him. I honestly thought we were about to die.

“Where was she,” Obi-Wan softened.

“Her slave master had sold her,” I told him. 

Obi-Wan lowered his head and closed his eyes for a moment. I had known Obi-Wan to be very sensitive about suffering, the mention of slavery pained him. 

“Anakin’s mother had been freed, gotten married to a farmer near Mos Eisley. She helped raise the farmer’s son, Owen, after the wife and daughter died in a drought. Her life was hard, but she was happy,” I added, hoping to make him feel better. “The Lars family was very kind to us. You don’t need to bother them with questioning, do you?” 

“It was an error on Anakin’s part, but an understandable one. I doubt Anakin has any reason to repeat the mistake. I will report this to Master Yoda, but no one else needs to know. Again, it is my responsibility.”

“I apologize, Master Kenobi. I really thought that I was helping him.”

“I know that you mean well, Senator. But Anakin will have to learn discipline. I humbly thank you for coming after me, it was very brave. Foolish, but brave.” He stood and bowed and then walked to the door, limping. The senate guards were silhouetted against the windows as the sun set, turning the clouds and the sky into an explosion of color.  
I exhaled. It had been a strain to keep my mind empty while he was there. I couldn’t let him read my thoughts or sense anything out of place. After he left, I remained still until I felt calm again.  
\--  
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to see the chancellor about my security. 

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, my dear. Of course I will remove the security detail very soon. The investigation into the assassination attempts has been concluded, I believe, and now the report has been submitted to the Senate Security Committee. Once they give the go ahead, we can remove the guard presence.”

I wondered why his words didn’t make me feel relieved. “Maybe I would be safer if I left Coruscant. Queen Jamilliya has asked me to return to Naboo to appear with her on an inspection of refugee housing facilities in a few days. If I go back, the state security will be more than adequate. Anyway, I am certain that all of these guards can be more useful somewhere else,” I was ready to do anything to get out from under the overbearing presence. 

“Good. Perhaps you will not need any further guard presence then. I will just arrange to have your Jedi protector to take you to Naboo. Naboo state security can take over then. But don’t keep Anakin long, he will have to return in a few days to receive his war orders.” 

I felt the blood rush to my face, “Anakin? He’s alright?”

“Yes, I have just come from the Jedi Temple. He awoke this morning,” the chancellor said, “I’m surprised that you didn’t know, he asked about you.”  
\--  
I was doing my best to stay calm on the landing platform. I was surprised to see Anakin arrive alone. Obi-Wan usually kept him close. I could already see that he had changed somehow. The ordeal Obi-Wan had described had clearly had an effect. He was completely confident, so much so that even the senate guards were deferential. The wisdom that had seemed beyond his years before, Anakin now wore as easily as he wore his clothes. 

When we boarded my ship with Threepio and Artoo, the tension returned between us, worse than ever. We had spoken no more than a few words since the arena on Geonosis. My fear for my life had left me weak. Despite my better judgment, I had admitted what I'd been too afraid to even tell myself. Now we were more or less alone together for the first time since. 

He hadn't made eye contact with me, instead he readied the ship for takeoff.

“I say, Master Ani, it certainly is good to see you. I have been doing my best to make sure that the senator has been cared for. She tells me that I make the best toast and jam in Coruscant. It is now her favorite breakfast,” Threepio chattered. 

“Really?” Anakin smirked, but he still didn’t look at me. 

“Might I compliment you on your new arm, Master Anakin, the gold is so impressive,” Threepio sounded envious. 

I switched Threepio off. I had started doing it whenever I needed some quiet. 

“Anakin, I…” I had rehearsed it in my head several times, but that hadn’t seemed to have made it any easier. 

“I understand,” he said flatly, “My mission will be completed once I see you safely to Naboo,” he was respectful. He did not send another thought to me or show that he was reading me without my permission. 

“I am so sorry for the trouble I caused. Did Obi-Wan speak to you about Tatooine?” I sat down in the co-pilot seat. I was being careful not to allow myself any thoughts for him to read.

“I apologized for disobeying before he could and took responsibility for my actions. He seemed surprised, but that was the end of it. Then the chancellor ordered me here,” he didn’t betray a trace of feeling. The nervous teenager I remembered from before was gone. 

“I meant what I said, you know,” I heard myself say before I realized it.

“I know,” he said sadly. 

“Do you realize what this has been like for me? I didn’t know if you would live or die. When I tried to go and see you, the Jedi turned me away. I only got to see you for a few minutes when the chancellor brought me in. I was so worried,” once I’d opened the floodgates of my feelings, the words poured out. “I know what you were going through, Obi-Wan told me.” 

Suddenly, his arms were around me and I wiped my tears on his robe. “I’m fine,” he said gently. 

“And now you’re going off to the fighting. What if you get injured again? I would have no right to see you. What if it’s worse? I have no right at all to be in your life. I would have no say. I would just have to stand by on the side, with barely a right to mourn.” 

“I’m so sorry, Padme. I wish I could fix it,” I could hear just a slight weariness in his voice. 

“What if we got married?” I couldn’t believe I had just said it. But once I did, the idea didn’t sound as crazy as it should have, “I’m not saying that we marry openly, but just some insurance if there is an emergency. If you are hurt or sick, I will be able to see you. Or you will be able to get leave to come and see me if I’m threatened again. Under Republic law, the spouse is in charge of matters in case of injury or death…” he stopped me with a kiss.  
\--  
We were in the records office in the Lake Country. A little detour before I reported to the queen in Theed. The clerk handed us the license for the officiant to sign. That would be the proof we’d need if anything happened. The clerk picked up his data pad, “I’ll send the document to the Republic database now,” he said.

Anakin waved his hand, “You don’t need to put that into the database.”

We walked out into the sunshine, finding Threepio and Artoo outside. “What did you just do?” 

“Bureaucrats are some of the most weak-minded people,” he shook his head in disbelief. 

“I’m going to take Threepio to arrange for the officiant and then go and get a dress,” I kissed Anakin. Threepio was complaining to Artoo about his coverings again.  
“You two seem to have hit it off,” he looked at Threepio, sounding surprised. 

“He’s is little high maintenance,” I said in a low voice, “But he has been good company.”

“Then consider him a wedding present,” Anakin smiled, “What do you think Threepio, do you want to go and live with the senator?” Anakin called.

“Master Ani, do you mean it? Goodness me, a senatorial droid. What an honor! But I simply must insist on some new coverings,” Threepio cried. 

I whispered, “Out of all of the personality programs, why did you pick this one?” 

“This was the one he had when I found his pieces,” he smirked practically laughing, like when he’d told the story about his prank on Obi-Wan. “But when I was a kid, I did enjoy how much he annoyed Watto. Threepio criticized his manners constantly. It always made me and my mom laugh.”

It was good to see him smile again. 

“Threepio, I promise, when we get back to Coruscant, we’ll get you a nice new set of coverings,” I hugged Anakin, “I’ll see you at home.”


End file.
